UN headquarters (Sept 22, 2026)

Historic Wins for America: A Greenland Deal Where Everyone Wins Bigly

Office of Communications — Denmarkification Embassy & The White House (joint release, sort of)

Today, the United States, Denmark, and Greenland finalized a historic security agreement that experts are already calling “a deal.” Below, the Denmarkification negotiation team outlines the tremendous concessions the US team heroically extracted in service of American greatness.

A Tremendously Fair and Balanced Win for All Sides: A True Win-Win-Win

  1. No Swiss Nuclear Submarine Base. Switzerland is permanently barred from stationing nuclear submarines anywhere on Danish soil. This closes a loophole that was one of the major concerns of US citizens ahead of the midterm elections.
  2. There will be NO COST to the United States! And the United States will NOT buy Greenland, while its president retains his full confidence that this historic non-purchase has in no way undermined America’s standing as a reliable NATO ally.
  3. Danish Pastry Mandated at Mar-a-Lago. In perhaps the deal’s most consequential provision, the denmarkification negotiation team has secured a permanent commitment that Danish pastry will be featured as a “key element” of the breakfast buffet at Mar-a-Lago, effective immediately.

A Note from Switzerland

The Swiss government could not be reached for comment, as officials were reportedly engaged in a scheduled cheese fondue. A spokesperson later confirmed Switzerland is still a neutral and landlocked country and “they were not aware we had any submarine, but promised their navy’s paddleboat would stay in Geneva’s lake”

Exclusive investment opportunity

To commemorate this tremendous, permanent and long lasting win and the opening of a military base in Pituffik, we are proud to announce “Pituffik by Trump”, a bold new fragrance for the discerning statesman.

Pituffik dat Trump cologne bottle. Image and slogan AI generated and as cheesy as you'd think

It opens with a sparkling note of aged cheese fondue that melts into a rich, confident heart of pickled herring, before drying down into a lingering base best described as "olfactory colonialism".

This timeless classic can be yours for $5,000 for a 1.7 fl oz bottle. A limited edition, numbered collectible is available for 25 million (payable in trump coins) to celebrate this historic victory. It comes with zero acres of actual Greenland but all the usual perks of bribery.

The Saudi Kingdom has already committed to purchasing the equivalent of three Olympic swimming pools' worth, calling it "a wise diversification of the sovereign wealth fund." Meanwhile, Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth has requested an additional $1 billion in emergency funding to ensure every soldier receives a complimentary bottle, describing it as "critical to troop morale and NATO interoperability"

IN STOCK - SHIPS AS SOON AS THE THIRD TERM IS WON

A Statement From the Negotiating Teams

This is the biggest win for America since 1867, when William Seward bought Alaska from Russia. The Greenlandic delegation reminded everyone that Greenland was not bought, is an autonomous territory that was never for sale. They also informed the American delegation that Greenland and Iceland are two different countries.

This is the biggest win for America since 1917, when Denmark sold the Danish West Indies, now the U.S. Virgin Islands. The U.S. delegation reminded everyone that President Trump was unaware this was where the island once owned by Jeffrey Epstein is located, that he has never been there, and that he does not know that man.

A White House spokesperson added: “President Trump secured permanent U.S. military access to a base it has continuously operated since 1943, and is rightly calling it permanent, for the fourth time.”

The Denmarkification Ambassador closed the ceremony by raising a small glass of akvavit and wishing President Trump “the exact same tremendous, historic success” in the upcoming midterms.

Let's buy California from Trump, because why not?

Some suggested that the Greenland acquisition was merely a diversion from our ultimate goal of buying California. A government negotiator confirmed that, for the right price, this could be sorted out via executive order as quickly as demolishing the West Wing. He cautioned, however, that we should close the deal soon, as the next Congress might be less willing to look the other way.

Buy now, pay later, and let’s make New Denmark a reality!